No offense, but I think you're just having an anxiety attack.

Nice to know that when you've been feeling like crap for a long time.  That when you've had the need to vomit and retch for many years, and that when you finally turn up to the doctors they diagnose you with 'anxiety'...

Right.  So if my job wasn't as stressful enough my bodies decided that it wants me to face an even more stressful time.

It wasn't just the fact that it's anxiety I'm suffering from but the fact that the doctor said 'it's just in your head, it's just psychosomatic'.  Thank you.  Why can't my brain just give me a helping hand and flip the switch to having a happy time and a relaxed time.  Instead it's causing my body to just throw up every time I feel just that slight twinge of discomfort.

This news to me suggests that I need to get out of this job.  Stat!

Beautiful melody.

Hand me a time travelling clock

Sick of feeling so mournful, wanting to travel back in time, wanting to travel forward in time.

I should wait patiently.

I should wait patiently as this might be the first time in my life that I don't care about the concept of time really.  Because every moment is a happy moment, I just have more happier moments than just 'happy' moments.  Doesn't matter if I travel backwards or forwards in time.  I'm still happy.

Subtract work, subtract family = One blissful girl.

Here's the tale of the best few weeks I ever had.

And the start of what is probably going to be a heart attack...

So schools over for Summer, and despite the mountain of paperwork, planning and resource making that I have to do for this September, I decided to have a life.  I feel I deserved it.

That life started 21st July when my boyfriend was finished for his two week holiday which meant, ROLL ON WEDNESDAY!

Tuesday was a horrid affair which mainly consisted of food at our favourite Italian, before heading home for 8 to get some sleep before our very early morning wake up call at 2 o clock.  Why so early? I kept saying.  "I need a shower and we need to get to the airport for 4!"
"But why? We don't fly until 7.40!"
"I booked the carpark for 4-4.30" *cry*

The inevitable need for sleep was washed over by the fact that it was still bright daylight outside and it's impossible to sleep so early.  It is even more impossible to sleep when your boyfriend keeps giggling and poking you ('why are you giggling?', ' just thought it would be funny if I got to sleep before you and my snoring kept you up', 'well I'm awake now again so you succeeded without that!!'.  Roll on midnight, 4 hours of trying, one disturbance to shave his back (urgh), and we're finally sleep...until "LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!" - his alarm goes off.  2am. FML. You get up, I'm staying in bed.

Not a pretty sight at 2am.

Boyf gets out of shower, slowly gets ready, where I'm sat, head in hands, make up semi-plastered on my face, contacts shoved in, clothes thrown on, and lolling about waiting for him. "I hate you for waking me up all night!" "I love you dear" "Hmmmm ¬_¬ love you too".

It's okay though because necking the Relentless (him the Red Bull) and we're flying down the emptiest roads I've ever seen, listening to 80s music and our song, singing along and finally getting excited.

Funny how airport security are allowed to
leave our baggage unattended.

Airport!

Straight through the doors, to the terminal, checked in, to security and to the gates.  And the waiting started.  Burger King with the lust for Budweiser with it (why only airports?!), sitting watching flights, shopping in the deceptively cheap stores in the departure lounge.  Then the call. YES YES YES.  Finally!

To the Gate, through the Gate, onto the plane, and away.  As easy as 1,2,3.



Flight went over quickly with me in subsleep, lolling on his shoulder or attempting to complete a puzzle book.  The boyf spontaneously laughing at his comedies with his ear plugs in looking rather mental.

Touchdown, and it's the smoothest touch down we've ever experienced.  But we're here, in sunny sunny Spain!  A completely wasted shuttle bus for 50metres, and we're collecting out bags and out to the transfer when we meet, not for the first time, the queueing habits of other people.  WE WERE FIRST IN LINE! STEP ASIDE...last ones on the bus :(.

Some more sleepy times on the way over and finally, hotel!  We were greeted by Spanish speaking staff but fast check in, to the room.  OH MY, THE ROOM!

Having been a self-catered hotel only before, each room came with its own sofa room, double balcony and kitchen!  So much space!!

We unpacked, showered etc and then walked around, finding that the beach was literally a short walk away from the hotel, with plenty of shops and restaurants around (that we won't need, I reminded him, as we're all inclusive!).  That night we discovered the horrendous quality of the hotel food, and decided to escape for a bit to a near by pub, an earlish night ready for the beach the next day.

Only I could have slept all day!  Noticing how quick the poolside sun lounges were taken up, we escaped to the beach where we discovered the lovely past time of koala-ing.  The act of one standing in water while the other hugs on to other one as if they were a tree.  This is the position we stayed in for most of the holiday.

The rest of the holiday, with the odd few walks here and there, can be summed up in my pictures on facebook.  However, it's safe to say it was the best time of my life, and it made me realise something else.  That I am still utterly in love with the boyf, have been for months now and the feelings just haven't changed.  And we can live with each other without a problem, even having lived together past the holiday and until now while his parents have been away.

Oh and the heart attack thing...that's just me pigging out on crap and enjoying myself while I can before the onslaught of the months and year ahead.

The very mysterious incident of the bin bag in the night

So I have finally finished my (second) degree.  Done, dusted, vamoosed!  In fact over the last few weeks some big changes have happened.

I have gone from not having a car to having a car (and consequently crashing said car into a curb at 40mph having been staring at the gears when trying to put it into reverse...numpty) and thus dented the wheel, followed by having to get an urgent kick start to my car when the battery completely failed to started at all.  I mean I know I'm lazy, but not to turn on when asked, that's just pure laziness...

In that last few weeks I have also finished the last few legs of my course.  To be honest with you I'm still shattered over it.  It's like some never ending blanket of tiredness that just can't be eradicated, no matter now much I sleep or lie around.

However, the greatest thing was that I now have a job.

Yes I hated the course.

I hated the teaching.

I certainly hated the planning.

And I don't really like the children.

But I have a job as a teacher.

What is more shame faced is the bold lie I told in front of 215 something kids when I was asked 'did I always want to be a teacher?'.  While my brain screamed NO! YOU STILL DON'T! My face did this oddly thing and creased into a smile, and my mouth opened, my tongue  moving and the words came out 'Yes, I always did'...Oooh the lies!

But yush I now have a job.  I have a job that is going to lead to another yeah of paramount exhaustion, of no life, and possibly kids with snot dripping from their nostrils..

When I was there for interview there was nothing quite like feeling 'well these aren't my kids'.  Because I have got sooo accustomed to those I'm currently teaching, that I do actually (and unbelievably) miss them.  I just won't miss the work load...

So yes that's my life for the last few weeks, and that holiday to Majorca which I never did get the chance to come back to, is ever approaching :)

But about the mysterious bin bag I hear you calling?  Having scanned the text and heard no word of it so far..

Well yes, as I was driving home, I swerved to miss, not only my dad's car, but a black cat.  Or so I thought.  Getting up close with the lights on I noticed it wasn't a black cat but a black bin bag.  A black bin bag that suddenly attracted the attention of an enormous fat white cat with brown patches on it's ear.  It was staring at the said bag as much as I did.  A black bin bag, the size of a standard carrier bag, tied up with a yellow elastic band, seemingly dumped in the middle of the road.  This bag must have carried some weight, because in the heavy wind it didn't so much as wave.  And the white cat got off it's bottom and headed over to it, staring and scratching at it, thinking it's going to attack.

Having had a history of interest in serial killers and murderers, what do you think I thought it was?  A severed head.  Abandoned in front of my dad's car in the middle of the night and in the middle of the road.  

However, the next morning I found that it had been pulled to the path and shredded,..it's contents unable to be diagnosed.  So whether there is someone out there missing a head or a few fingers... I'm sorry, the cat got it...  On the other hand, I'm hoping that this was nothing but my vivid imagination and that was just someone's fish and chip papers...

We're going on a summer holiday

Summer needs to get it's butt here now as I have awesomeness planned for it!!

More on this later!

You mean everything to me.

These blog posts are becoming increasingly and unbearably soppy.
Once so bitter and sorrowful, bitten by the hand of the depression.  Now I'm on cloud nine.  I'm so happy.

In the last week I was told I was a natural with the children, that I should become a Year 6 teacher.  I had an interview for a school that chose ME, not me them.  I failed that interview, but having the opportunity was amazing.  Friday saw me getting to see Derren Brown and meeting him AGAIN! Even if he did sign my receipt rather than my ticket...

The weekend was the weekend I spent with him <3 Perfect.  And totally in love.

Only 8 weeks 2 days left until I can officially veg out and resume normality with my normal every day job :)

The beginning of the end

One week down in final place practice.
Seven more teaching weeks to go.
Two weeks of 'enhancement weeks'.
3 days of Uni paperwork.
And I'll be done.
Dusted.
Finito.


Can't wait!
As it is...I must dash lessons lessons lessons...

"Right from the start
You were a thief you stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them"

Thinking about summer gone:

Thinking about how much I hurt someone.

Guilt :(

I never meant to hurt anyone, let alone do that.

Sometimes I am a terrible terrible person...

The good days keep a comin'

Yesterday was my 23rd.

It started as every Saturday does (and in that effect every birthday does).  Me wallowing in my pit, clutching me head (drunk still this time), hand wandering to my boobs and me thinking "Yes, definitely south, skin is definitely more stretchy", and groaning every time my phone whistled another Facebook post, though lacking the energy to knock it onto silent mode.

I was doubly ignorant this time as my uncle and auntie dropped by. *knock knock knock* - "I'm not getting it, someone else will...", *door opens, door shuts, car drives off*.  Oops.  *Goes back to sleep*.

By 11am I staggered out and got ready, found envelopes left on the chair outside of my room.  One was slightly thicker than any other...this excited me - Finally car insurance?  Nope, brothers card was 3D.  But was gorgeous nevertheless.

Swallowed, with great difficulty, my Chip shop dinner before getting together the odds for the Grand National and going to pay for it.  And what a fantastic day it was.  It was oh so sunny!!

The good days.

The clocks have gone forward, and light nights and feelings of summer have come flooding in.

Yesterday may have been the best day of my life so far, including since I graduated :)

Early start, a wander around Durham's streets, 2 hours of Starbucks and practicing sums and peeking my nose in on shops.
A train to Newcastle, my first McD's of the day.
A half hour sit outside a Cathedral, listening to the chimes counting down to entering the test centre like a death toll.
Walking in and feeling so so nervous.
Walking out with a smile on my face.
A wander to the train station, jump on board and at the Metro Centre.  Beating my bf at Air Hockey, losing the puck in the dodgems.  Playing arcade games, running hand in hand around the mall, shopping.
Heading to Newcastle again, changing in the car park, walking down the street.
JOSH WIDDICOMBE and SEANN WALSH walking behind us.  Boyfriend launching himself at him, directing them to the nearest Nando's.
A happy happy boyfriend.  Grabs my hand, tells me that it's the best week of his life, that he's in love with me...

And that's where it made my day, best day of my life.

:)

He finally said it :).

And the show with Josh and Seann was amazing too :) LOL comedy genius.

Can someone wind back time please?

Random.

"Due to recent budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off."

"If I have to pay to see the dentist when I have unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that's been recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists?"

The fear, the constant worrying, GET ME OUT!

So I have noticed that my blissfully ignorant personality has changed DRAMATICALLY.

I remember the times life used to be so full of laughs and giggles, no worries, and the only thing to worry about was your exams at the end of the academic year or occasional bit of coursework here and there.

Now I worry all the time.

I lie there thinking all night.

I think about things I did that day and how stupid they were.

I worry that the man I'm laid next to is the right choice.

I worry in case he doesn't want me as much as I him.

I worry about the stupidly expensive tip I gave to the restaurant that day.

I worry about whether or not I make a good teacher; whether I really ought to just give up and make their teacher teach so they learn better.

I worry that I don't care enough at times.  That everything is done slap-dashedly.

I worry about the things I've said, the actions I've carried out.

I worry about the times gone by and the choices made.

I worry that I come across evil even though I never intend to.

I worry that I seem ungrateful, when every day I thank my lucky stars about what I've got.

I worry constantly.

Someone rescue me? Please?

Week in Pictures (13th March - 17th March)

Technology is scary!

Wired up to the hilt, earphones in connected to the iPod, hands connected to the smartphone, iPad sat on the side and computer on in the front.  Just put the TV on and it's no wonder we are going techno-crazy.

Sitting on the bus tonight, I looked to the left, in the bus parked next to mine there's a girl with her phone out - Twitter.  I look forward, a girl on her phone - Facebook.  I look to the side, man with his phone - texting.  I look down, mine - Facebook.

Guy in lecture - bejeweled.
Girl in workshop - texting.

Teachers on using projectors, videoes, old school TVs.

TECHNOLOGY!!

Drives me up the wall how dependent we are of it!
I miss getting all the stimulation I needed from a book.
Now? Bye bye concentration unless I have four or five types of distraction around me.

Bye bye intellect in all honesty...

You wake up, shake a leg, go to the loo, brush your teeth, drag a comb through your hair, slap make up on your face, shrug out of your pjs and into new clothes, grab some breakfast, run out of the door, travel, travel travel, walk, walk, walk, sit in mind numbing lessons, and again, and again, and you're walking and you're walking and you're travelling, and you're home again, shrug off the clothes and into lounging clothes, scrape your hair up, start working, working, working, typing, typing, grabbing food, working and typing, showering and sleeping.

Opening the doors again

The pub reopened for business.
The heavy wooden doors, swung back, and revealing the stench of chlorine and bleach and paint.
The splendid bar groaning with its new pumps, it's glistening bottles and it's umpteen polished glasses.
The carpet still thick and gaudy.
The tables and chairs still waiting.
The sport blaring and the music in the background.
The sound of dull chattering and gossiping.

The pub is back.
But it's missing it's character, and it's missing it's charm.
It's like walking into an ex's house without the ex.

So many memories, so many happy times, so many sad times.
It's like walking into an ex's house without the ex...

Give me a chance

Give me a chance and I will walk with you
Hand in hand through the falling snow
Down the old cobbled streets
Running with you in the pouring rain
Hugging you in the cold winter wind.

Give me a chance and I'll smile at you
In old buildings with tall ceilings
In dimly lit rooms with morbid white walls
In the sunshine, tickling our skin.

Give me a moment of your time and I'll give you a lifetime of mine.

Funny Stories

Visiting the boyfriends.  Walking up the stairs.  Him ahead of me.  He gets in the bedroom, he strips off and lies down on the bed in a pose akin to that of the David Beckham Calvin Klein's advert.
I take off my coat, sit on the bed.
His mam knocks on the door.  Enters.

*****

This morning, waking up at my best friends.
Boyfriend heads down the stairs, there's conversation and I overhear 'YOU'RE A BURGLAR!'
I get dressed come to the stairs to see a retired bald head carpenter, pint in hand and tool in the other looking at the carpet.  He turns and looks at me and goes 'ANOTHER BURGLAR'
"Errr...where's our friend?"
"Don't know, do you want a pint of Fosters?"
*Looks at watch - 10.30am*. "Erm...nope"....
*Spend the next 2 hours watching this man drink and smoke whilst cutting up wood...just waiting for someone to come home....*

Life can be great if you let it be.

Happy doesn't cover it.

End of placement, finally starting to like this infernal course, actually looking forward to my next placement, sat surrounded literally by files and by sunshine.

I'm content with my love life for once.
I massively underestimated the pros of going out with someone who lives just down the road.  It's perfect.  Those hidden moments you can snatch without worrying about abandoning work for a long time or having to go out of our way.

Without sounding OTT I'm just really happy and hope this never ends.  Roll on the Summer :)

Spending the night in a hotel in the City, overlooking the lights.

Jimeoin :)

And relax.

Today feels like the end of my placement.  It's not, it's not by a long shot but it's getting there.  No more constant emails or texts through my own private time.  No more working til midnight (meh it'll happen still but never mind).  No more sleepless nights thinking about lessons.

It's done.

It's over.

Well not really but almost.

I still have two days and two lessons to do.  But the worst is over.  The report is done and now I'm just tying up all the loose ends up.  Life may resume again.

But whilst I'm looking up Buddhism stuff for tomorrow.  Check out this meditation video :)  Relaxes me :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJjafJouvt4

Parents.

I'm 22.  I'm slaving at a full time post-graduate certificate of Education.  And I hate my life.

My parents have always been omnipresent in my life.  Now think of that as a God-like quality.  They are always there, they are always influencing me, they are always pressurising me.  But they are never actually there.

Oh woe is me.

One thing I hate - is placement.

I'm on it and I hate it.

I really do hate it.

Handed the kids half an hour earlier than expected = half an hour of having to kill at the end.
Up at 6.45, in at 8.15, out at 5.15, lesson planning still now.

Oh woe is me.

"I'm falling for you too"

Imagine this scene...

The snow is coming down non-stop.  The centimetres are growing, and your wellies are sunk to their kneecaps.  The sky is white, the land is white, the children are white.  They're sledging down the hill with smiles plastered on their face because they have the day off.
And I get a text.

"Oh I have something to tell you"
"What?!"
"Tell you when I see you"

This week has been one of beauty

In terms of the sky that is...

And today it is 2 months <3.  Time flies when you're having fun :)

A New Lease of Life

Having never felt happier lately in my actual personal life I find that I am happier in all aspects of my life.

Gone are the woes and depression over what people think in my course.  Whether my class teacher really does have a problem with me or whether I'm just a really bad teacher.  These worries have gone.  Now that I'm happy I could be blasted by my placement school for being unprofessional, unrealistic, unable to teach for threepence or just in general rubbish.  I could be kicked out from this house, run over by a car, get fined thousands of pounds, land in prison...and I'd still be happy.

By the end of 2013

I will have learnt this on the piano...

Guaranteed.

(It's my project).

"So mam I have a new boyfriend"

And boy did that go wrong...

Mixing up his name as a girl's name, insulting his parents due to this.
Asking if he has a-levels or a degree.
Asking where he lived and displaying a face like sour lemons.
Finding out his job and immediately judging.


Such great high points.
Wait til my dad finds out now....

Why am I such a scaredy cat?!

How can a 22 year old not have the balls to tell their own mother she has a boyfriend?

ARGH!

New Year Resolutions 2013

My 5 New Years Resolution

1) To tell my parents about my boyfriend (this keeps cropping up all the time!)

2) To get through this course and survive (don't care about the grade)

3) To get an adult job

4) To get my own wheels

5) To get out of this house

"Here and now. This is the moment I want to live in forever"

The moment where you are most content is the moment where everything drifts from your mind.  You're laid there and all you can feel is warmth and happiness.  A smile spread across your face.  And you open your eyes to see the one person you want to be with laid with you doing exactly the same thing.

That is the moment where you are most content.

That is the moment I want to live in forever.

Brief News...

Really making me not want to go into this as a career...
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-20877397

Who doesn't use getting locked in a supermarket overnight to their advantage?!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-20887450