But I thought the 100th post should not go unmissed, and instead should be used to explore how time has passed over the last year since I started using blogger with immense gusto having brushed off the dust from my sixth form years.
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So over the last year I have graduated from university. An accomplishment I never ever thought possible. The moment I actually woke up (late as usual) for the ceremony was a moment where a smile plastered over my face as this is it, this is one of those life moments you never forget...supposedly. And so I remember worrying about every little detail, whether my bra was actually going to hold my boobs properly in front of a 1000 strong audience (it barely did), whether my skirt wouldn't ride up in front of everyone (it did), whether my hair would stay perfect (it didn't). In fact the whole day was pretty much a shambles to put it lightly. I forgot the receipt for the gown (didn't need it anyway) and dropped toothpaste on my top (spot it on the photo above). I also decided to paint my nails purple cos they looked a mess whilst standing in a queue only for me to realise the lovely purple paint slipped down on to the palm of my hand and without thinking I tried wiping it away with the other hand. In the end, and not surprisingly, I was stood with two very purple hands, and I was meant to be lining up ready to shake hands with the Chancellor - Bill Bryson. A mad dash around the near library trying to find toilets and I realise I've got myself entirely lost! So with purple on my hands, sweat ruining my make up, my boobs breaking free from my bra and my skirt up my arse, I entered Durham Castle ready for my graduation. Idiot. Clutched in my hand was a torn bit of toilet paper that was slowly breaking up in the palm of my hand as I scrubbed and scrubbed at the infuriating stain 'oh why did I have to paint my nails!!!'. Ditching the toilet paper with my soon to be boss (didn't realise it at the time) who'd come to tuck my hood in and who told me that it was on wrong anyway! What a nightmare. So admist yells of 'Oggy oggy oggy!' from the chief motivator I slowly saw my dream of a perfect graduation melt away. Surrounded by all these girls in priceless pretty dresses and me looking a bit of a dwarf in a skirt and top that won't behave (with purple hands none the less!!)
But here I was on the happiest day of my life apparently. Walking shoulder to shoulder with someone I didn't even know, heading towards the bowels of the Cathedral for my graduation. 'Mind you don't trip' laughed the cameraman on the cobbles, and trip I did immediately after I passed the camera thankfully! On came the long speeches, an amazingly funny one from Bill Bryson which listed the 7 things in life you should never forget, but funnily enough the only one I remember today is 'Always buy my books in hardback'! But soon the names were called and we were lined up like dogs to a slaughter, and I hear my name and I don't move, I'm pushed up on stage! I hear 'Well done, Laura' from Bill and I open my mouth and I move my tongue and my lips and I find myself saying 'I know!!', I shake his hand, walk down the few steps, pause like a deer in headlights and look at the camera to say 'I'VE DONE IT' before moving on.
Unfortunately, it took days for me to forget this moment, 6 months to forget everything I learnt at university, 1 year to forget I actually went to University. The experience is gone. Time has moved on.
And so a year after graduation, instead of getting a job with a dream pay packet I scrabbled from job to job. From working as a Admissions Assistant, to working as several shades of a receptionist, note-taking, working in a 'hotel', shelving in a library and invigilating. I'm lucky in a way that I have had so many jobs. And I remember once that that was my goal. To get out and try every job imaginable. But I got tired. I got tired of the endless days of running from a-b-c-d without having a break, and I got tired of the pressures of friends and loved ones who also wanted me to be at e-f and g. And thus I took the decision that changed my life yet again. I was going back to education. Back to do a PGCE, if fate was going to allow me. And despite a frankly terrible interview in which I just used it as a social opportunity to be honest, in came my acceptance on the course, and here I'm sat waiting yet again to go into education. I almost feel like the legendary Sir Steve Redgrave, 'please shoot me if you see me step foot in another boat', I best not say the words 'please shoot me if you ever see me in the education system again' because it appears this is where I'll be hiding for the rest of my career...that's if I remember how to speak....
But as usual this blog post follows my work life- the one thing that seems to come first in any sort of organised thinking of my own. But my personal life has changed. The friends I loved, I lost to various causes (not death but moving on or finding love without me), I found myself stuck in a world of men, with no female voice to help me. I stuck with the same boy thinking it was going to meet it's demise by me no longer being a student but we stuck together. And I finally managed to cross the greatest barrier of my life - telling my parents he existed. Next week, in fact genuinely this time next week, I should be down London ready to meet up with him, getting off the train.
Alas it hasn't been an easy struggle. Me being a woman of my own strong opinions, I think I left my feelings on a doorstep sometime in the 20th century because I'm very close to losing the one constant in my life (other than one friend) that I've had in a long time :( Alas only time will tell if he can forgive me.
So following graduating I didn't have a very happy life. Jumping from job to job, moving back home and giving up my three year freedom, losing many friends and having to start again building a new life. Living in this house is no easy thing, but at least I managed to get out. I learnt to drive, I got my license but am yet to drive since. I put on an astonishing amount of weight, I suffered from exhaustion and back ache, I lost the will to live and I found the will to live. I realised all I did was grumble and forgot how much life was precious. That was until my gran died the other week. Saturday 11th August. As my dad said 'Another black date in the diary'. Suddenly I couldn't be in one place at the same time again. I found myself out of the house more times than in, I found myself taking to drinking a lot again, I found myself never wanting to come back home, I found myself being forced to be happy as comments came in from people saying 'I shouldn't need to stay in at this moment of time so come out', and I felt I was losing my parents respect. I felt infuriated at other people's lack of respect. But I appreciate I'm a hard person to read at times. And my need to have my own time versus the need to escape clashed and collided until I didn't know what I wanted anymore.
And so the last few weeks has caused a great deal of upset amongst all loved ones. And so I feel depression coming down in waves over me yet again.
Life will never be easy.
And so I think of the better points of the year. The fact that 2012 has been a year like no other. The Queen's Jubilee, the Olympics in our home country, being able to see Derren Brown, passing my driving test, doing a course which will give me a professional qualification and a professional career. All of these are amazing moments and I'm glad to be part of it.
Welcome to human life.
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