Tipsy

On a school night?  Why not? 

It's something that will go with the job - alcoholism. 

You think, not me. Not me. I won't pander to the request of some none living thing. 

But it's ruling. It's ruling strong. I don't care either. I really don't ...

Been a few days and I'm still raving mad.

It's been a while since I've posted but then that's the mood I've been in. Working on Saturdays was bound to be a killer. 

Headed there to work the fair in the blistering heat. Did the general tombola whilst soaking in the endless compliments from the boss. If you can't tell that was sarcasm. Even though I wasn't the victim I found it astoundingly dreadful, absolutely appalling that the boss had such a negative attitude.  Such an attitude towards those who have given up their precious time off to come back to work and help out. In my mind this is for only one reason-the kids. Other staff decided to keep away, to enjoy what little time they had. Quite rightly so. So it was with anger that I heard the snide comments and the only compliment paid was one that purposely was designed to cause controversy. That is not leadership. That's vindictive and treating people like they're dirt on a shoe. 

I can't stand people like that. Is that really how I'm gonna spend the rest of my working career? 

Anyway enough of that before I get riled up. 

Sunday was yet another stupidly busy non-relaxing day. Busy from the moment I got up. At least many good things came of this.  The first bit of wall paper has gone up in the house.  I went to see Jurassic  World in D-box and that was fantastic. Loved every moment. Had the most gorgeous meal in Zizzi. But also my beloved laptop died :(

Why oh why does the world keep dumping on me :/

Here's hoping these next few weeks fly by. 

Another week over

Another week over and I actually got paid a compliment!!

An actual compliment!

Wow. Who'd have thought it. 

Anyway. Back into work tomorrow morning though for the fair :(

A happening.

When driving to work or walking down the street or doing something that's routine, look around and just see the world. Look at the people. There's such a story. 

Every morning I drive past a man. It depends how late I am, but he's always constant. Walking down the road. Causally. Arms swinging. Wearing a black painted flecked fleece, with a small golden logo embroidered on his chest. I wish I could see it so I could know more about him.  He seems a nice enough man. Always smiling.  Closely shaven head but wears a warm hat over it. The kind you'd wear at a football match. That's black too. He wears jeans and trainers. And he's of medium build. Once I even saw him walking back near my house when we crossed for once. We never do on a night. This makes me think that he works near me. Possibly as a mechanic. I don't know why I think this. I just do. 

I know he's even noticed me. When he's waking he gives a little bob. When I see him I think sometimes that he makes a little bob in my direction. But maybe that's just wishful thinking. 

Also on my journey is the mother with two sons. I rarely pay attention to her as she's always tagging along behind or pulling along her two boys. I assume they're the same age I teach.  One has a scarf, those animal ones that stretch over as hats and trail down their body like roadkill. They look nice enough. She's only told them off the once.  I know more about these people than the man I always see. Purely because you can tell which school the kids go to. And the mother makes a rather strange journey to make her way towards the school. She kinda crosses the road and back other rather than making the one crossing. I'd like to know why this is. 

My third person is a new one to me. It's odd cos these people are always there. You just don't notice unless you happen on them. It took one such happening for me to notice him. The one night I wasn't deep in thought and was actually taking in the surroundings - which are quite pretty as a matter of fact. Just a shame I work there. This man sits like he's squatting with a little scotty dog which looks like he's been up a chimney.  He sits holding this red lead. Dangling it between his two arms that rest on his knees.  He looks across the field, ignoring the road in front of him. Or sometimes he catches a watchful eye over the cars that pass.  I can tell he does this walk frequently and that he must come from one of the old farm buildings scattered around. Possibly the one with all the vehicles piled up the long drive. I know this because he's started to cut a small single file path on the grass. 

Every day that I see these people, and many besides (I could describe the cars I see every day-but it's the people that count), I think about whether they see me?  I mean REALLY see me, not just the cornflower micra. Do they look at me and wonder where I live? What I do? Where do I go? Whether I enjoy life? Just like I do when I look at them. 

I wonder what they think. 

Do they see the girl that's desperate and sinking in despair? Or the calm girl that I try to exhibit? Or don't they see me?  Am I just another human, in another vehicle?

Probably the latter. Because humans don't see humans. I mean REALLY see them.  And if they do. They just don't know what's happening beyond the exterior. 

When you're travelling down a dark tunnel

Look back at the light. 

It's a dangerous thing to do to look back but sometimes it's needed. When you're feeling at the bottom of the barrel and feel nothin but despair, look back at some of the amazing times. 

I'm going to write some that spring to mind now:

• the time I walked into a bollard outside of then-Peters, until the point I was hugging it. 

• the time a friend and I tampered with some posters on a science lab. 

• the first two conversations which I had with my first love - first one including northern chippies and the second one where he'd had his dinner down himself. 

• the first kiss with him which was rather awkward. 

• the first kiss with the love of my life which felt like nothing before and the endless chase which was actually exciting. 

• coming of age adventures with my old friend. Might as well have lived in Scarborough. 

• My best friend and I singing in his old flat about the Golden Fleece (also no longer there).

• the time me and my oldest mate almost ended up in a field in a car, becoming air Bourne for minutes. 

...

And those are just a few. And with each of those a smile filters through. 

Remember the past. Not to regret but to smile and laugh. 

Baby photos.

Just finally found (or rather introduced to) my baby photos. All I have seen previously is me aged circa 3 year old. Nothing beforehand. I don't know why. Just haven't. I'd just assumed that in 25 years of having not seen any photos, that they just didn't exist. 

Well I was wrong and my god I wish I'd never seen them. 

In almost all of them I'm convinced I'm a boy. I'm also convinced that actually those photos are of my dad as a kid - not me. I look fat. A rash all over my face and very rarely happy. It's only as I grow up that I seem to have developed a smile and not a bewildered look on my face. 

I'm no expert on babies in the slightest so I don't know if this is normal at all. Maybe all babies look like they're androgynous and miserable as sin.  But from my mind this certainly explains a lot about where and how I am now. 

Just sick.

You work from 8 til late. 

You spend all your time thinking of it. 

You have one day off a week. 

You never see the people you actually care about. 

I am sick of this way of life. 

Life is just too short. 

So very rude.

I aim to be a friendly person. Now this is hard because I swear I suffer from a mild form of autism or some level of social anxiety. I find it very hard to speak to new people. When I do it's often strained, may feel false and most likely accompanied by a fake smile too. This is not meant to put people off. It's that for some reason in my head, social interaction is too much for me. This can apply to people I know too. I have a strange level of awkwardness in my social endeavours. However there are times I am massively outgoing and will speak to strangers. Whatever the outcome is, it's usually connected to my mood or feelings about myself. 

I am a very complex human. But aren't we all. 

This often makes it hard for people to actually like me. And therefore the endless cycle happens. I get paranoid that they don't like me, my social awkwardness deepens and I avoid contact. 

But there's one thing I'm not. And that's rude. I will never speak out of turn.Will  always apologise profusely for something that I've done even if it wasn't caused by me. Or, if it is caused by me, I will most entirely regret it and will mull it over for many days, months or even years. Even when I'm deeply happy, I get plagued by feelings of guilt because I have done something wrong in a past time that's often very unrelated to what's happened currently. 

See - emotionally fucked. 

So tonight when I get a Skype message from an ex saying "I've got a friend coming over in half an hour. I'm really not in a social mood", I sit there stunned. 

a) I've not spoken to you at all to require this response. 

And b) if you're not at all in a social mood, why the fuck are you on Skype in the first place?! 

My response was just:

"? I haven't even spoken". 

Then about 15 minutes later after seeking confirmation from a friend:

"You're just being unnecessarily rude". 

It is possible that he received a message from a previous convo as he logged on tonight. But then surely any numbskull with half a brain would be able to realise this was not a current conversation.  And it's hardly believable that he has not been on it since the last conversation. 

This is just him being incredibly rude and for no ruddy reason!! Making someone feel shit without any cause. It's just evil. Especially when it's something that I will then mull over and feel some sort of misplaced guilt over it. 

Perhaps I'm not the only one psychologically fucked! 

I'm yet to get a response. But I hope I don't get one. Good riddance. 

Life v art

"The things of the world fell by the wayside, you lost your eyesight and your f**king Electric Boogaloo, but literature was eternal..."

A fantastic quote from Stephen King. 

Human age has a dwindling point. Literature has an eternity. 

The difference between a job and a profession.

The difference between a job and a profession is that as soon as your job ends that's it. A profession encompasses your life. Takes over and sucks the life out of you. It doesn't let you relax. It opens you up to criticism from all walks of life. And you're left feeling like an exhausted, empty shell. 

Where's the reward in that I wonder?

Anyway. Off to pull another 14 hour shift...

11pm. Time to stop working.

I've worked from 8am to 11pm today. 

This isn't good because I know that tomorrow I will wake up grumpy and not rested. 

I will also be awake longer than I want to tonight making me even more tired and grumpy tomorrow 

I'm not even in my normal surroundings. Which is just great. 

All in all, tomorrow is going to be one really tired and grumpy day. 

Great. Even my supporting staff doesn't believe in me.

I know I haven't written a great deal about work on this cos tbh I quite frankly want to forget it actually exists. But something has really eaten me up these last few weeks. 

Ever since we've been given a form to write down our preferences for next year my own assistant has been trying to get me to go for a different year group. I brushed this off believing this must be down to my paranoia which has gone ten fold since starting this job (really though, I can't believe I've not been locked up with suspected paranoid schizophrenia the way I go on these days).  Especially when she's been asking whether I know where I'm going next year about two times a week. It was only until tonight where I've rationally made the decision that actually she doesn't want me teaching her child next year...

I only know this because I jokingly said it hoping that she'd confirm that everything was just in my head. But when I did say it it was met by nervous laughter. 

Just great. Even those you work close with has decided you're no good. 

This permanent contract is looking more and more like the prison sentence that I thought it was gonna be...

Sunday days.

Haven't done much today. Other than browse carpets and make some ruidimentary decisions and select wallpapers for the study. That's it. 

Progress is very slow and tedious...

Father-daughter bonding

Bonding on any level, shape and form, just hasn't happened in my household. I haven't spoken to my brother in around 10 years. I have a very tense relationship with my mother (as I swear she's a psychotic/neurotic/mentalist-who I'm probably swiftly following thinking about my mental health). And my dad is just my dad. He doesn't say anything. Doesn't really do anything. But today we went to the house and tried to get a lot done. He actually cracked a few jokes. Then to top it off we watched Planet of the Apes together. 

And, dare I say it? I actually enjoyed it. Hopefully I'll be able to spend some more time with him tomorrow :). 

Changes.

Today I stripped the was-little-bedroom-soon-to-be-study, removed the carpet, found replacement carpet and stripped the walls. 

It's getting there!!

Increasingly becoming lost.

Just finished reading The Psychopath Test. All I've got is the feeling that actually I'm suffering from a range of different disorders that are not purely beyond the extremes of normal human behaviour or warranted for some sort of medicinal use. 

This angers me as now I just have to deal with it. No point turning for help. Just get on and deal with it. 

That's just great as I'm pretty sure I'm:

Paranoid - believe that everyone's out to get me and are going behind my back to make sure my life is as miserable as possible.  Also the belief that significant others are conspiring behind my back. 

Depressed - suffer twangs of severe sadness and bouts of sheer utter miserableness. 

Anxiety - overwhelming anxiety as caused from the above two and obviously faulty thoughts about my own abilities in comparison to others. Anxiety has passed the limit of normality and on the way to puking every day...

Plagued suicidal thoughts - always think about the idea of death and always have. Have no intention of doing so but have entertained thoughts on how I'd go about it and life post-me. 

All this was vanished two weeks ago and has rapidly resumed having gone back to work. 

I think my fix would be to quit the job. And live a solitary life where I have no contact with anyone or anything. 

Alas life isn't like that is it. 

Purely feeling sorry for myself. 

Trying to turn a new leaf

It's been almost three years since my gran passed away. I know this because the day that my gran had her accident was the night I decided to move on from my last relationship. The day after she died was the day I kissed the man in my current relationship.  The day after her funeral was the day that I had my first date with him. 

It all sounds rather callous and cruel but that's what saved me. Knowing something new had started just after something great had ended.  I had that to hold onto with a strong firm hold. 

Two and a bit years later. Okay, more than a bit. The house that she once lived in is being passed onto us. The relationship that grew around her death. It's a bit poetic really.  And we're bit by bit trying to build ourselves, not only a house, but a home. 

Check out what it looked like and hopefully I'll be posting up what it's becoming :)

I used to be obsessed with...

Sex. Talked about it all the time. Wanted it all the time. Even had it all the time. 

I'm 25 now. In a long term relationship with the boy I'm madly in love with and about to move in with.... And I'm lucky to even spare one minute to even think about it. 

I'm either asleep or falling asleep or worse, working. And he's either at work or tired himself. 

What.had.happened?! And is it possible to get back to being a teen/early twenties mad sex addict? 

The Psychopath Test

"When you gaze into the eyes of another person you can only see as far as his closed door. So take it as an opportunity to knock on that door. If he doesn't want to open the door you bow to him and you say, 'That's fine. When you're ready"'

"What would be behind their closed doors?" I asked. 

"Freedom," 

The Psychopath Test - Jon Ronson. 

Shattered.

I'm a broken person. Metafit on Tuesday, been knackered ever since. 

It's true. Exercise kills!!

Between work and gym, I think I'm becoming exhausted!! 

Thinking sleep time in 20 minutes!! Considering my erratic behaviour and memory lapses today!!

Oh also in other news...I've just been told my contract has been made permanent!

Prison sentence or blessing?

We'll see!

Freakin' technology.

I'm sure I've posted this before but I'm going to post it again. I'm sick of technology. Mobiles, iPads, laptops, play stations, desktop computers. Everything. Where something is buzzing with electricity, I'm buzzing with anger. 

I'm piled high with mountains of work this week. An observation next week, letters due Friday, assessments... Got it all to come. Yet tonight my laptop decided to work but not let me log in. Tried my Mams, it's as slow as a snail. Gave up. Came to my boyfriends, and I'm logged out of the playstation. Wouldn't let me move past a certain screen. 

I've had enough. I love computers. I'm sat typing this on my phone. But they're becoming the bane of my life.  Even my significant other appears to have a significant technological device that he's always attached to like some Mr Gadget gizmo. 

I'd welcome a powercut but I bet I'd end up stressing more. So much for last nights post of feeling happy!! 

Be gone guilt.

Last week I had an epiphany. Helped by Derren Brown. Now I know that Derren is purely for entertainment, but something triggered in me that night. Something that had somehow completely changed me. 

It all started with an anecdote. Despite even Derren saying that occasionally he'll tell a story that is completely fictional for certain purposes, this one really did stick with me. 

First was the story from an old man. He'd grown up, achieved well in school, got his GCSE grades, his A-levels, went to University, got his degree, started at the bottom of the career ladder and worked his way up. Until one day he was at the top of the ladder with nowhere to climb. He'd achieved what he'd considered his goal. Yet when he'd finally got there he didn't feel a sense of achievement. He felt lost. He'd worked all those years and for what. 

The message was live in the moment. Something that became even clearer towards the end of the show. 

He then introduced the idea of evangelical healing. Something which he totally disagreed with but was going to show what they did just by sitting in the audience. He got us on our feet and shouting hallelujah, holding our neighbours hands who were strangers ( a little too intimately for strangers too!). Next he asked us to sit down and close our eyes.  We had to think that we were standing on a beach somewhere. Something beautiful and warm. You can feel it on your skin. A single cloud flying through the air and a boat off in the distance. You could feel the sand between your toes and you look to the right. A figure is walking towards you. As they come closer you realise it is you. And you're told to imagine that this you is perfection. Everything that you want from yourself that would make you happy.  We are told to stretch that image. Pull it up infront  of you. Make the image sharper and vivid and more real. Make it the size of a cinema screen. Think how it's making you feel to see yourself so beautiful and whole. Now imagine that someone is dragging your image away from you like a catapult. It's all tiny and grey. Think how you're feeling now. You're feeling lost and dejected without that image. But then the image is released and it's flung up to you and it's bigger and brighter than before. Now think of the rush of feelings. How even more amazing you feel.  He then did this again and again until the image was real and part of you. He asked us to imagine something that hurts us and stresses us and fade that picture out. Make it grey and grainy and replace it with that wonderful image again.  

After this I have never felt so warm and comfortable with myself. A true sense of happiness. 

It was following this that Derren delivered another speech. He said that regardless of everything that is happening around you you can only control two things - your thoughts and your actions.  Everything else you have no control over. In a football game. You can try your hardest. As long as you know you've done your hardest, you can't do anything else.  You can't change someone else's mind or decision. You can't change the past. You need to let it go. 

And with this, yet again I felt relaxed and happy. And everything just sort of soaked away. I have been happy ever since. So happy. 

It was the final speech that was the crunch. He reminded us that we don't need to go looking for a miracle. Because the miracle is right here. We are all miracles. If our parents hadn't met at exactly the right time we wouldn't be us. If our grandparents hadn't met at the right time then we wouldn't be who we are. All the way through the years, every little thing has led to who we are. And what are the chances of that?

There aren't any. We are just a miracle.