Imagine you're swimming in the sea. And you realise that the ball you were playing with floats a little too far for your liking. You swim towards it, but it floats out that little bit further. You're getting frustrated now, because you can see it, it's right in front of you but it's teasing you. You stretch out your fingers and just brush it but it lifts on a wave and moves further away from you. You keep going, but you're feeling your feet lift up from the sea bed, and having to paddle. But your movements are carrying the ball further and further away. So you stop, you tread the water, and you watch the ball linger, stagnant on the sea, bobbing up and down in the water and you know if you jump forward like a cat pouncing on a mouse, it's just going to escape out of your hands.
This is how I feel right now. I'm in a good place in my life and for once everything seems to be fitting into place. For instance, if I need a job I suddenly have one in front of me. It's bizarre. And for the last few weeks I've been thinking - I really want to spend the summer watching the Olympics, no job, no stress. But at the same time I wanted to quench my thirst for wanting to do something. And it's as if my guardian angel was looking over me, because as luck may have it, the stressful job I was about to undertake for the next month which was pretty much guaranteed fell through- they can't afford me. And usually, the words would escape my mouth 'I'll do it for free?' as I'm usually desperate for something to do. As it was my tongue clenched down and my throat closed up and I walked from that office with an entire summer of nothing to do. The first time since summer of 2009. And even then I was working partially. It seems that someone knew that I wanted to take time off and relax, especially before my course.
Unfortunately my mind doesn't like it. My body may be winding down like a wound-up toy - desperate for recuperation, but my mind is running full steam. So yesterday, on seeing the many pictures of London with it's wenlock's - the Olympic mascot, and the low low price of only £36 to get to London, my heart started screaming 'GO TO LONDON TOMORROW'. I was on the cusp of going. Spontaneity engaged, plans already formulating in my mind, I could almost feel the buzzing atmosphere of London streets from the couch in my own living room. And then reality slapped me in my face. I can't go. I can't go because there is always someone in my life that has something holding me back from doing what I want even if it's implicit. And suddenly I saw the bright colours and heat of the London streets, transform into my cold, lonely bedroom. Time spent doing something and being in the midst of the excitement gave way to boredom and passing time buried in a text book.
There was a news article the other day about the answer to happiness. There's always studies on this isn't there? But their conclusion was that the key to all happiness was a job and your own house. I think I really do need this. I can see it right now. A rush and desire to go travelling, and I can. I could have been in London right now, if I only had that freedom....
I have everything I could possibly imagine, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but it's just no good when you're confined to a cage. Vision is tantalising and tempting, but feeling it and really being there is quite a different story...
Alas, it takes a long journey to be completely free and it's just something I'll have to have patience with.
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