Tipsy

On a school night?  Why not? 

It's something that will go with the job - alcoholism. 

You think, not me. Not me. I won't pander to the request of some none living thing. 

But it's ruling. It's ruling strong. I don't care either. I really don't ...

Been a few days and I'm still raving mad.

It's been a while since I've posted but then that's the mood I've been in. Working on Saturdays was bound to be a killer. 

Headed there to work the fair in the blistering heat. Did the general tombola whilst soaking in the endless compliments from the boss. If you can't tell that was sarcasm. Even though I wasn't the victim I found it astoundingly dreadful, absolutely appalling that the boss had such a negative attitude.  Such an attitude towards those who have given up their precious time off to come back to work and help out. In my mind this is for only one reason-the kids. Other staff decided to keep away, to enjoy what little time they had. Quite rightly so. So it was with anger that I heard the snide comments and the only compliment paid was one that purposely was designed to cause controversy. That is not leadership. That's vindictive and treating people like they're dirt on a shoe. 

I can't stand people like that. Is that really how I'm gonna spend the rest of my working career? 

Anyway enough of that before I get riled up. 

Sunday was yet another stupidly busy non-relaxing day. Busy from the moment I got up. At least many good things came of this.  The first bit of wall paper has gone up in the house.  I went to see Jurassic  World in D-box and that was fantastic. Loved every moment. Had the most gorgeous meal in Zizzi. But also my beloved laptop died :(

Why oh why does the world keep dumping on me :/

Here's hoping these next few weeks fly by. 

Another week over

Another week over and I actually got paid a compliment!!

An actual compliment!

Wow. Who'd have thought it. 

Anyway. Back into work tomorrow morning though for the fair :(

A happening.

When driving to work or walking down the street or doing something that's routine, look around and just see the world. Look at the people. There's such a story. 

Every morning I drive past a man. It depends how late I am, but he's always constant. Walking down the road. Causally. Arms swinging. Wearing a black painted flecked fleece, with a small golden logo embroidered on his chest. I wish I could see it so I could know more about him.  He seems a nice enough man. Always smiling.  Closely shaven head but wears a warm hat over it. The kind you'd wear at a football match. That's black too. He wears jeans and trainers. And he's of medium build. Once I even saw him walking back near my house when we crossed for once. We never do on a night. This makes me think that he works near me. Possibly as a mechanic. I don't know why I think this. I just do. 

I know he's even noticed me. When he's waking he gives a little bob. When I see him I think sometimes that he makes a little bob in my direction. But maybe that's just wishful thinking. 

Also on my journey is the mother with two sons. I rarely pay attention to her as she's always tagging along behind or pulling along her two boys. I assume they're the same age I teach.  One has a scarf, those animal ones that stretch over as hats and trail down their body like roadkill. They look nice enough. She's only told them off the once.  I know more about these people than the man I always see. Purely because you can tell which school the kids go to. And the mother makes a rather strange journey to make her way towards the school. She kinda crosses the road and back other rather than making the one crossing. I'd like to know why this is. 

My third person is a new one to me. It's odd cos these people are always there. You just don't notice unless you happen on them. It took one such happening for me to notice him. The one night I wasn't deep in thought and was actually taking in the surroundings - which are quite pretty as a matter of fact. Just a shame I work there. This man sits like he's squatting with a little scotty dog which looks like he's been up a chimney.  He sits holding this red lead. Dangling it between his two arms that rest on his knees.  He looks across the field, ignoring the road in front of him. Or sometimes he catches a watchful eye over the cars that pass.  I can tell he does this walk frequently and that he must come from one of the old farm buildings scattered around. Possibly the one with all the vehicles piled up the long drive. I know this because he's started to cut a small single file path on the grass. 

Every day that I see these people, and many besides (I could describe the cars I see every day-but it's the people that count), I think about whether they see me?  I mean REALLY see me, not just the cornflower micra. Do they look at me and wonder where I live? What I do? Where do I go? Whether I enjoy life? Just like I do when I look at them. 

I wonder what they think. 

Do they see the girl that's desperate and sinking in despair? Or the calm girl that I try to exhibit? Or don't they see me?  Am I just another human, in another vehicle?

Probably the latter. Because humans don't see humans. I mean REALLY see them.  And if they do. They just don't know what's happening beyond the exterior. 

When you're travelling down a dark tunnel

Look back at the light. 

It's a dangerous thing to do to look back but sometimes it's needed. When you're feeling at the bottom of the barrel and feel nothin but despair, look back at some of the amazing times. 

I'm going to write some that spring to mind now:

• the time I walked into a bollard outside of then-Peters, until the point I was hugging it. 

• the time a friend and I tampered with some posters on a science lab. 

• the first two conversations which I had with my first love - first one including northern chippies and the second one where he'd had his dinner down himself. 

• the first kiss with him which was rather awkward. 

• the first kiss with the love of my life which felt like nothing before and the endless chase which was actually exciting. 

• coming of age adventures with my old friend. Might as well have lived in Scarborough. 

• My best friend and I singing in his old flat about the Golden Fleece (also no longer there).

• the time me and my oldest mate almost ended up in a field in a car, becoming air Bourne for minutes. 

...

And those are just a few. And with each of those a smile filters through. 

Remember the past. Not to regret but to smile and laugh. 

Baby photos.

Just finally found (or rather introduced to) my baby photos. All I have seen previously is me aged circa 3 year old. Nothing beforehand. I don't know why. Just haven't. I'd just assumed that in 25 years of having not seen any photos, that they just didn't exist. 

Well I was wrong and my god I wish I'd never seen them. 

In almost all of them I'm convinced I'm a boy. I'm also convinced that actually those photos are of my dad as a kid - not me. I look fat. A rash all over my face and very rarely happy. It's only as I grow up that I seem to have developed a smile and not a bewildered look on my face. 

I'm no expert on babies in the slightest so I don't know if this is normal at all. Maybe all babies look like they're androgynous and miserable as sin.  But from my mind this certainly explains a lot about where and how I am now. 

Just sick.

You work from 8 til late. 

You spend all your time thinking of it. 

You have one day off a week. 

You never see the people you actually care about. 

I am sick of this way of life. 

Life is just too short.