Stuck

I'm stuck in the middle of no-man's land.
Stuck in the middle of some proverbial crossroads.
Stuck in the middle of two warring countries.
Stuck between happiness and not knowing.

Life is progressively getting more like a soap opera than I could ever imagine it would be.
My hearts flying above a road and it's lingering.  It's swaying towards the unknown and yet the happiness, the contentment but the non-trusting.  It's an area of grey that swings like a pendulum.
Then it's swaying to what I know, to the end where the light is always shining at the end of the tunnel.  It's a journey that's forever in the making but forever set in the concrete.  It doesn't matter what time I take that turn, that turn will always be there.
Then it's swaying to the past.  The past that I came from, and the past that I didn't think would end in the present.

It doesn't know what it wants.  The mind is raging some war.  The emotions are braving some frantic sea.  I'm like a jelly figurine grasping on to hope in the darkness.

Someone throw me a rope.

Agony of it.

Seeing John Bishop

This year has been the year of the live viewing.  Having gone to see Derren Brown in May, the Queen and Phillip in Durham, I would never have put money on seeing a third - John Bishop.

Yes my stand up cherry has now been popped!

Was a fantastic night and I genuinely didn't want the show to end.  I envy him being able to stand up in front of everyone like that and delivering a perfect performance.

For at least 3 or 4 hours I didn't think about work once... :) But sadly - back to it :(

"I was certain that everything I had imagined to be truth was false. False. Only the magic and the dream are true-all the rest's a lie."

Rochester-Wide Sargasso Sea

There are three wishes I want right now.

In a state of all doom and gloom there are three wishes I wish I had granted right now.

1) To spend a day in the life of my past self.  To remember what I wanted.
2) To spend a day in the life of myself in a place I don't want to be and know what will make me sad.
3) To spend a day in the life of myself in a place I want to be, and know what will make me happy.

Any genie's out there wanting to fulfill my wish, please do so.

No energy

I have no energy to write a full blog post.  But instead I'm going to write a snippet of this week in words and phrases.

Monday: Shattered, sleep walking, sleep learning, running, working, exhausted working, happiness, sadness, frustration, close to tears
Tuesday: Shattered, sleep walking, sleep learning, running, working, exhausted working, McD's, happiness, tiredness
Wednesday: Energy from nowhere, learning, studying, chatting, throwing logs onto an ancient fire, frustration, loneliness, so many people so little real people, working, friends, cuddles, happiness.
Thursday: Shattered, dropping, exhilaration, energy, walking, happiness, sadness, deepening sadness, mentalness, let down.
Friday: Apologetic, dead, dead walking, dead talking, dead sleeping, no energy, sleepiness, beating oneself up, loneliness, abandonment, laughing but feeling emptiness, just wish I could squeeze life into my heart
Today: Ill, emotionally disconnected.

I need to realise what I need.  I need sleep.

This week has been a write off. Wish it had never happened.

Innocent

At 8 you see the world how you want to see it; imagine it how you want it to be.
At 16 you see the world ahead of you and long for how perfect it's going to be
At 18 you realise the world isn't what it seems and is full of heart ache and people disappearing from your life.
At 22 you realise that there is no such thing as pure happiness.  Things just aren't that simple.  You won't wake up and smile like you used to and you won't go to bed smiling either.

Life sucks.