Newly Single

Since I've been single for just under two months now I thought I need a bit of happiness in my life (since that's the reason the relationship ended in the first place this is perhaps a great place to start).  So I thought I'd write about the stupidity of being single on this blog for my own amusement in the hope that other people will also read this and empathise with me.  I mean I can't be the only person out there who is ready to pull their hair out at the same sex, opposite sex, love, sex and all the uselessness that surrounds it all.

All names will for obvious reasons be removed from this.

So how did it end?

The last relationship died because of me.  The apoplectic mess that was the latter half of my summer caused me to be permanently in a state of depression, resentment, and unfeeling.  I was shriveled up inside, begging for laughter, begging for the good times.  Instead I ensnared in a bottomless pit of anxiety and darkness.  And so I made the dreadful decision to ask for a break from the relationship.  Yes, like the song 'We are never getting back together' I asked for space after we'd already spent weeks apart.  I may sound ungrateful, I may sound like the biggest bitch in the whole wide universe.  But I needed to cut ties with people for a while.  I needed to find my giggly self who never saw sense in the world.  Who never took anything seriously and who never raised her voice to anyone.

And because of the monster I'd become, I was dumped on the platform in Essex watching him walk away and never looking back and leaving me to find my way back to London King's Cross with tears brimming in my eyes and totally unable to handle my bags all of a sudden.  I got my suitcase trapped in the bloody ticket barrier - it screamed at me constantly.  A man had to come help by placing his muddy dusty foot on my black new suitcase to kick it out of the system.  I stood on the platform of the tube and watched them drive by one after the other wondering which one would take me to the station.  In the end I hopped on board and hoped for the best.

That was to be the beginning of my single life.

Stuck

I'm stuck in the middle of no-man's land.
Stuck in the middle of some proverbial crossroads.
Stuck in the middle of two warring countries.
Stuck between happiness and not knowing.

Life is progressively getting more like a soap opera than I could ever imagine it would be.
My hearts flying above a road and it's lingering.  It's swaying towards the unknown and yet the happiness, the contentment but the non-trusting.  It's an area of grey that swings like a pendulum.
Then it's swaying to what I know, to the end where the light is always shining at the end of the tunnel.  It's a journey that's forever in the making but forever set in the concrete.  It doesn't matter what time I take that turn, that turn will always be there.
Then it's swaying to the past.  The past that I came from, and the past that I didn't think would end in the present.

It doesn't know what it wants.  The mind is raging some war.  The emotions are braving some frantic sea.  I'm like a jelly figurine grasping on to hope in the darkness.

Someone throw me a rope.

Agony of it.

Seeing John Bishop

This year has been the year of the live viewing.  Having gone to see Derren Brown in May, the Queen and Phillip in Durham, I would never have put money on seeing a third - John Bishop.

Yes my stand up cherry has now been popped!

Was a fantastic night and I genuinely didn't want the show to end.  I envy him being able to stand up in front of everyone like that and delivering a perfect performance.

For at least 3 or 4 hours I didn't think about work once... :) But sadly - back to it :(

"I was certain that everything I had imagined to be truth was false. False. Only the magic and the dream are true-all the rest's a lie."

Rochester-Wide Sargasso Sea

There are three wishes I want right now.

In a state of all doom and gloom there are three wishes I wish I had granted right now.

1) To spend a day in the life of my past self.  To remember what I wanted.
2) To spend a day in the life of myself in a place I don't want to be and know what will make me sad.
3) To spend a day in the life of myself in a place I want to be, and know what will make me happy.

Any genie's out there wanting to fulfill my wish, please do so.

No energy

I have no energy to write a full blog post.  But instead I'm going to write a snippet of this week in words and phrases.

Monday: Shattered, sleep walking, sleep learning, running, working, exhausted working, happiness, sadness, frustration, close to tears
Tuesday: Shattered, sleep walking, sleep learning, running, working, exhausted working, McD's, happiness, tiredness
Wednesday: Energy from nowhere, learning, studying, chatting, throwing logs onto an ancient fire, frustration, loneliness, so many people so little real people, working, friends, cuddles, happiness.
Thursday: Shattered, dropping, exhilaration, energy, walking, happiness, sadness, deepening sadness, mentalness, let down.
Friday: Apologetic, dead, dead walking, dead talking, dead sleeping, no energy, sleepiness, beating oneself up, loneliness, abandonment, laughing but feeling emptiness, just wish I could squeeze life into my heart
Today: Ill, emotionally disconnected.

I need to realise what I need.  I need sleep.

This week has been a write off. Wish it had never happened.

Innocent

At 8 you see the world how you want to see it; imagine it how you want it to be.
At 16 you see the world ahead of you and long for how perfect it's going to be
At 18 you realise the world isn't what it seems and is full of heart ache and people disappearing from your life.
At 22 you realise that there is no such thing as pure happiness.  Things just aren't that simple.  You won't wake up and smile like you used to and you won't go to bed smiling either.

Life sucks.