Just to let you know,

I'm back from London and will get back to blogging more frequently!!

I am still amongst the living!!

The worst thing about packing is unpacking.

Finally finished today!! Yeyy! Break up Friday usually means crash out and drink copious alcohol. Well it's just not the case today (well I might get started on the drinking later...). Today I drove straight home, to my new house, and instead of crashing... I started unpacking!! Excitement or what!!

This project has taken months and months and months   By project I mean moving in.  We've had to change everything about this house. Electric, kitchen, bathroom ... Every room in the house. But now it's getting close to completion. Five rooms down, two to go. And so with London looming on Sunday. I'm trying to get as much work done on it as possible!
Knackered or not knackered!! 

 

Hmm ... How can I get my views?

I am an intensely private person if you've never met me before. However I seem to live my life out online. I'll post stupid Facebook statuses as I want people to know about how mildly interesting my life is. It just gets to the point that what I put up there is actually pretty much the only thing that happens that is interesting. I suppose it's a sort of cry for attention.  However I don't sit counting the likes. I merely put it up there for my own amusement. And for me to look back at this time in history when it should appear on my Timehop in a year or two years time. 

However, being a computing coordinator, I can't help but think about how on earth you could get popularity from a blog. Just watching the Gadget Show last night as background noise, just showed to me that some people are making a sustainable income by living their life through the Internet such as YouTube. But i just don't get HOW. My life is no more interesting than your average Joe.  And I'm certainly not going to resort to endless childish pranks to get views. It's not that I even want people to read my blog like that. I just want to know what makes people that particularly interesting? 

It was just the other day that a friend and I, were watching You've been Framed. This to us was incredibly dull and unworthy of laughing. However as children, the stunts seen would probably have us giggling. Then it struck us. Our standards of comedy have far surpassed grainy home videoes. No, to entertain the public you've got to do something downright dangerous or completely original. Which again isn't me. 

So I don't know. Maybe I should keep plodding on with my blog and see if I can generate more views as a cumulative!

Getting on with life

I do try my hardest to get on here and type but it's getting increasingly hard. I'm between three houses now. Deciding a day in advance as to where to go the following night. Dragging bags of clothes with me, laptop, work stuff. Not taking any chance that I'll leave something somewhere. I'm pretty much back to living in my car. 

We're nearly there though. Carpets and sofas are ordered for the new year and in the meantime we're papering and painting. By two months time we should be up and running and living like a somewhat normal human being. 

On Sunday I went up there to work while the other half was busy with the painting and it honestly felt like home :) for the first time I felt like I was properly living in the house. We only stopped there two consecutive nights before coming back to his house as he was missing home comforts. 

Still it's getting there. 

Today I also procured an inhaler. With poor breathing and back pain I really must get myself back to the gym but it's finding the time. 

At work I managed to get a rise by the skin of my teeth. Still working constantly and having to do more and more extra curricular things that are eating into my home life. My job's one of the worst for not having a life. Everyone and everything comes first but you :( still it has some perks. Anyway that's it for now just a brief note to say I'm still here!!

I'm losing myself, I'm losing it all...

Just wanted to check in.  It's been a crazy few weeks and this half term has flown by.

I've finally managed to get myself a good observation.  Yey!

I thought perhaps that my house may be on the way to being done.
We set a deadline for it.  Halloween we said.  This was a joke.  Then it became real and now it's becoming a dream because that deadline is slipping away.

I hate this.  Hate being in these living conditions.  Sick of it.  I'm still between houses.  In fact I'm between three.  My mind is all over and I have nothing that is stable.

Actually think I'm losing my mind!

Let's see whether I'm in in two weeks or not...

Never a true word spoken.

"There is pleaasure in the pathless woods;

There is a rapture on the lonely shore;

There is society, where no one intrudes,

By the deep sea, and music in its roar:

I love not man the less, but Nature more"

- Lord Byron. 

Never ending wall of depression.

I thought I got this sorted. I thought it was just the job. "Oh it'll go in the summer" I said. Then again I recall that in the winter "oh it's only SAD. It'll be gone by spring" but it hasn't. It's just persistent. 

It's the darkness. It's the cold. It's the feeling that you're facing a 10 foot wall you need to scale. It's there all the time. You're stuck with it morning, afternoon and night. Especially night. Night where it starts to ignite your neurons with thoughts you were adamant not to entertain during the day. Or even thoughts you'd been repressing. Suddenly normal day memories are cast in grey and in regret. And deep lived fears start swimming to the surface. By the morning, you're a wreck. You've been up all night thinking about things that you needn't have bothered with and you're knackered with all the tension and worry you're burdened with. The morning is meant to be a fresh start. "It's always better in the morning" they say. It isn't though. It's like a mental hangover. 

And the usual conversation happens "how did you sleep? What did you dream?" And everyone's fascinated by the weird dreams. But they aren't when it comes to the fact that you didn't sleep. "Just don't think about it" they say. But that's the problem. Thinking. You can't stop. It's like listening to someone talking about breathing and then you can't help think about your breathing. Thinking is an ingrained human attribute.  A skill that's considered higher order. It's not so special when it's undermining you. 

How can you have fun when you're busy thinking of the implications of such. Or suddenly feeling guilty that you're having a good time because somewhere along your own time line you've let someone down, maybe two-three years ago. You can't just let it go. 

Is this a sign of adulthood or is this really depression? Either way, I need help.  I can't cope.