If you're too busy looking into the past how are you supposed to build a future.

I am more than guilty of thinking far too much of the past. Whether it be old embarrassing memories, terrible social encounters, or even just thinking about the history of the place, it is always there. Like Larkin's belief that death hangs upon us, it's history for me. Despite the fact that it's backwards looking it's almost more damaging than the unknown future. 

I can think of countless arguments or depressive thoughts about my current boyfriend's past. And why?  He can't change it. I can't change it. No one can change it. We're in the now. It's spilt milk. It's a disaster that cannot be erased. But I guess it's the consequences I fear the most. If it's been like that in the past, why not now?  And it's these thoughts that causes a human being to become trapped, imprisoned in their own stupid thought dwelling mind. It's torcherous. Memory can be a beautiful thing if only it was selective. 

Anyway, those that are busy dwelling on the past are busy not making a future for themselves...

One of the hardest things is...to talk

I'm currently indulging in a book called 'Solitaire'. Yes it's a sixth formers books really but as the author is currently a

first year student at Durham University, how could I resist?

So here I am. Reading a young adults book and it's fairly accurate about the awkwardness you feel in your mid to late teens. I, myself, felt this during my own up bringing. It not being until first year of uni that I started to peel from this infamous crushing shell and sort of wake up and smell the coffee beans. It was only cos you HAD to do so. Being alone in a building of 3000 was not ideal. You simply had to speak to someone and make friends. And fast!

Anyway, this was all well. In fact this talking thing lasted a good 3-4years. And then the mid twenties happened. I've gone back to being a recluse. Never talking. Finding it actually physiologically apprehensive at the mere thought of speaking with others. It's becoming slight ly soul crushing. I don't want to be a loner but it actually hurts to use my brain to speak. Thanks to this newly acquired (or reborn) thing, I am feeling pretty damn lonely. Yes I have a boyfriend. Yes I have a really good best friend, but that's it. I lack the ability to actually speak to new people. Or even find them less than irritating. Yes I seem to have acquired the middle age tendency to just not understand people and their actions. I am a deeply cynical person. What's worse is that I am very aware of this!

So shall I do what I do best on this blog. I shall see if I can dig my way out of this social depression. To find my vocals and actually talk without muttering or stumbling over words or simply finding the whole thing a too stressful experience  that I will actively try to avoid!!  

Here's to a new me.