It's been a while...

...and things just don't bloody change. Depression, anxiety and ridicule. What happened to my lucky streak?!

If you're too busy looking into the past how are you supposed to build a future.

I am more than guilty of thinking far too much of the past. Whether it be old embarrassing memories, terrible social encounters, or even just thinking about the history of the place, it is always there. Like Larkin's belief that death hangs upon us, it's history for me. Despite the fact that it's backwards looking it's almost more damaging than the unknown future. 

I can think of countless arguments or depressive thoughts about my current boyfriend's past. And why?  He can't change it. I can't change it. No one can change it. We're in the now. It's spilt milk. It's a disaster that cannot be erased. But I guess it's the consequences I fear the most. If it's been like that in the past, why not now?  And it's these thoughts that causes a human being to become trapped, imprisoned in their own stupid thought dwelling mind. It's torcherous. Memory can be a beautiful thing if only it was selective. 

Anyway, those that are busy dwelling on the past are busy not making a future for themselves...

One of the hardest things is...to talk

I'm currently indulging in a book called 'Solitaire'. Yes it's a sixth formers books really but as the author is currently a

first year student at Durham University, how could I resist?

So here I am. Reading a young adults book and it's fairly accurate about the awkwardness you feel in your mid to late teens. I, myself, felt this during my own up bringing. It not being until first year of uni that I started to peel from this infamous crushing shell and sort of wake up and smell the coffee beans. It was only cos you HAD to do so. Being alone in a building of 3000 was not ideal. You simply had to speak to someone and make friends. And fast!

Anyway, this was all well. In fact this talking thing lasted a good 3-4years. And then the mid twenties happened. I've gone back to being a recluse. Never talking. Finding it actually physiologically apprehensive at the mere thought of speaking with others. It's becoming slight ly soul crushing. I don't want to be a loner but it actually hurts to use my brain to speak. Thanks to this newly acquired (or reborn) thing, I am feeling pretty damn lonely. Yes I have a boyfriend. Yes I have a really good best friend, but that's it. I lack the ability to actually speak to new people. Or even find them less than irritating. Yes I seem to have acquired the middle age tendency to just not understand people and their actions. I am a deeply cynical person. What's worse is that I am very aware of this!

So shall I do what I do best on this blog. I shall see if I can dig my way out of this social depression. To find my vocals and actually talk without muttering or stumbling over words or simply finding the whole thing a too stressful experience  that I will actively try to avoid!!  

Here's to a new me. 

The painful loss of an old friend

My friend called me unexpectedly late one night. He tells me the unspeakable has happened - a friend has taken his own life. "Don't worry yet. Don't say anything. Wait until it's official. I'm hoping it's not true". But we both said goodnight with a heavy heart. We both sat into the night refreshing Facebook, waiting, waiting, waiting, for it to be broadcast in the ignorant, superficial way that life is these days. 

It didn't happen the next morning. 

It happened at lunch time. Whilst eating dinner at my desk my phone vibrates. "It's official. He's killed himself" then silence. Thoughts filled my head, why? Why why why?  It would be this thought that would continually bring me to tears every time it sprung up in my head. 

Yes, we hadn't seen him since teenage times, but still you wonder why. There were people there for him. Everything was to live for. He had a son!

And then poisonous accusations came about. "The truth will come out" one person promised. But still there was this terrible terrible loss. 

Still feeling incredulous we attended the funeral. That's when it struck. This was real. He was really gone. No more smiley blonde Carl. Gone. 

The whole church was in tears. As usual the vicar of this town did a great job at getting things wrong, but the rest was perfect. The fiancés pain though ripped through everyone in the vicinity. It echoed what we felt collectively. 

The flowers were amazing. A racing car, a white truck, a broken heart and a pillow of flowers all laid peacefully beside him. 

Despite being laid to rest, a convoy was organised the day after. A 100 cars congregated to do a 50 mile per hour journey to the coast where further speeches were made and Chinese lanterns were let off (rather unsuccessfully) as the night crept in. 

All this in memory of a lad that will greatly be missed. We might not have been in your life for a while but we were still touched by you. We were still here for you. Whatever the reason you decided to do this, I hope that it's not in vain. 

We will miss you. We will always miss you. 

Still no idea what's going on. Clueless from the start,

Having been revealed that I've got my own job back. Yes that's right. Mess me around with interviews, stress, jobless and job- full. They finally ask me back. 

And yet I still have no idea where I'm going...

Tuesday, they said. Tuesday. 

So I will find out tomorrow whether it's year 1 or 3 or, god really hope not, 5. I don't think I could stand another year with my current class!!  

Relax...

A job shouldn't make you think about it 24/7, make you lose sleep over it, feel stressed.  It certainly shouldn't make you cause minor bodily harm to yourself or pull down your relationships.


It took the words of one person to make this realise.

What's more important?

"Someone else's child that you see for a year and never again; or the boyfriend who you love and cherish",

I went into this profession to make a difference.

And I am.

I just didn't realise what a difference to my own home life it would have...

Don't lose everything over a job.
Remember that.
Don't burn yourself out after a year when you could have 40 years left in the profession...

Just a bit of advice there!

You're not enthusiastic around adults...

I'm a teacher.  A teacher of children.

This was my response when I was rejected for a job that I was interviewed for today.

"You're not enthusiastic around adults.."

I'm sorry.  I mistook the point of a Primary school teacher.  To be enthusiastic around children.  Did I have to be enthusiastic around adults?!  Do they need to be inspired by me?

To be quite honest, I was full on smiley and happy and engaging in conversation...if I'm still getting accused of not having the personality then that is a MASSIVE insult.

Me and teaching are over.  I don't need the nit picking.  I don't need the bringing down.  The lack of praise.  The long hours.

New job starts this summer!

Serendipity

The word that means fate and destiny...blowing in the wind...landing where nature sees fit...

Well I'm ready to be taken nature.  Do your best! 

Should I be a teacher?

Having had a rotten week, I found myself contemplating (for maybe the hundredth thousandth time) - is this job the job for me?

This question made me reflect back to when I started training and whether I should have just plain and simply asked the question - should I be a teacher?

So before I give yet another weekend away to merciless planning, assessing and grading...I thought I'd ask the wise and wonderful one that is - Google.

I simply typed in Google - Should I be a teacher?

And even Google couldn't give me an answer... he's probably still scratching his head.
The only results I could find were quizzes...so it seems that a load of questions will determine whether this is the career for me.

Feeling like I wanted answers, I chose the Guardian one...Which happened to be a very bizarre list of questions which was hard to bag yourself into the right category as there are three options - a typical Ms Trunchbull, Miss Honey or the IDGAF category (work out that initialism for yourself).  The response was...

Could you be a good teacher?

Idealist teacher 

You are an idealist and still have faith in the capacity of teachers to be the midwives of dreams. But is there still a place for you amid the expediency and management-speak of education today?

And luckily ...THIS SCREAMS ME!

For whatever reason I joined the teaching profession (and I'm guessing it's something related to helping the young minds of today make progress...) it's still plagued by management.  

Damn you management for stripping apart education and making it a battlefield!

If you were to ask me the question...it would be a resounding - no.  But with an exception.  If you can deal with the red tape, the lies, the manipulation, the control, the no time to do anything and people telling you to jump off a cliff right now but make sure you've done this....then go for it.

If not...steer well clear and perhaps consider teaching assistant...(though not sure if that's such a good idea either...).

Another holiday down

This time last year I was counting down the days until leaving this profession.  Now I'm counting down the days until summer.

Always counting.
Counting down to the end of the day. Counting down to the end of the week.
Counting down to summer.

It's sitting there wishing life would flash by. 
And I'll be counting on until retirement.

But there's more to life than that.  There's houses and babies and good times but most importantly LOVE.

It's only today that I've brushed that cloak of depression off and realised how sunny life can be.

Let's hope the feeling lasts...

2013-2014

2013 has to have been the best year of my life.

I fell in love.  The man I fell in love with fell in love with me.
I got my own car.
I got a proper job.
I went on holiday with the man I love.
I finally told my parents about the man I love.
I kicked the drinking, but piled on the weight.
I've laughed more than I've cried.

It has been the perfect year.

New years resolutions for 2014:

• Get fitter
• Save money for a house.
• Get job satisfaction.