Happiness in Darkness

It's a shame that I write in this so infrequently these days even if it is but a random dip into my life as it is right now.

So what's happening.

I'm still with my boyfriend.  My ex now has a girlfriend and I'm happy for him.  He's probably a lot happier with her and she probably makes him smile a lot more than I could ever do so.
I'm still happy.  I'm the happiest I've ever been for a long while.
I hate my course.  Can't stand it.  It's far too much paperwork and I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that all teacher's are vindictive.  I'd swap the teaching environment for a shelf stacking one no problemo.  But I'm not a quitter, never have been.  It shows weakness to let something get the better of you.  So up on the tidal wave of pain I'm going to rise and I'm going to knock it flat.  I'm going to be the best goddamn teacher you could ever imagine.  And when the time comes I will look at this course and obliterate it from my memory.  I will do something that makes me happy for once.

Yes, this is a major problem for me right now.  I'm happy but I'm in a dictatorship.  My parents are still omnipresent in my life.  And as the times I stay out are getting longer and later their patience is wearing thin.  I'm being bitched about behind my back, I'm getting the looks of disappointment and I'm getting the feeling that they want me long gone.  And I want to be.  Let me out of here.  Let me into a household that welcomes me and I'm not ostracized   That I'm not expected to go out with a certain type of man (cos lets face it my current one isn't want they want but I'm not happy with what they want, I've tried it) or expected to kill myself by trying to do a 101 things just to make them happy. No.  I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of it something terribly.  I just need to get out, don't care who with.  But when I leave this house, even temporarily it's like walking out of the steel bars and into a haven.  It's a release.

However, I can't complain too much.  This year may have been the best year of my life.  So many changes, so many experiences, so many significant happenings.  I've passed my driving test, I've lost people to death, I've lost friends and people I've spent a lot of time with, I've gone into things that are way above me, but I'm sat here smiling.  I'm sat here smiling cos life couldn't have taught me a greater a lesson day by day if I hadn't gone through it all.  I was ditched on a train platform, I was picked up in a pub.  I left depression and entered exhilaration.  I've had the love of my friend throughout it all, even if I don't get it at home.  I've gone through stress in my course and complications and come through it all fighting.  And I'm still having a bloody good time with it.

In a bitter sweet way, I've never been happier.  Life can throw it's worst at me, I'll keep batting it away.