Saturday, March 31, 2012

"If you don't love your body, change your mind; if your partner doesn't love your body, change your partner"
The Joy of Sex. S. Quilliam. 

Friday, March 30, 2012

Spring Has Sprung

After months of cold dark days, life has finally been kick started (quite literally as the lambs are shakingly getting to their feet).

Only a few weeks ago I looked up at the sky and shielded my eyes thinking something was very wrong.  I texted my friend and muttered of how strange the world seemed all of a sudden only to get a reply back 'that's because it's sunny'.

And now the brightening of days have released a heat wave this week.

Begrudgingly assigned to work until Wednesday I'd seen little of the daylight but a few snatches here and there as I sat resting my weary feet by the riverside.  Feeling the cool breeze of the water disturbing the humid atmosphere.  Finally, yesterday and today had allowed me to break free from the monotony of work and to relax in a chair with a good book and enjoy the weather and freedom.

It feels like it's already summer!  Something which I can readily believe having been chained to revision and work for the last 6 years, this is my first Easter sans burying my head in non-fiction and trying to learn everything required to get a good grade.  I can honestly say I have thoroughly enjoyed it until I came back inside into the gloom of the house and noticed that my enjoyment has led me to be incredibly sun burnt..  I now quite frankly resemble a human lobster :(

But aside from the sunburn I am happy to declare that it's finally spring, it's British Summer Time, the nights are light again, and the place is filled with a laid back attitude.  So shake off the stress of work and get enjoying while it's still sunny!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Trying To Break The Mould.

Lately I've had the mini epiphany that I'm stuck in this rut.  A mould that encompasses every aspect in my life (perhaps with the exception of my employment).

I only really wear black.  I can't wear anything else.  Wearing anything else makes me feel uncomfortable.  When I stray from the usual I end up regretting it the moment I've worn it.
I read the same books over and over again.  I know them by heart.
I watch the same films over and over again.
I will only read the genres I know, and walk the walks I've always walked.
I want to be home and showered by a certain time.
I will only have showers despite having the option of a bath.
I will carry on watching a TV series because I've already watched an hour or two.
I visit the same websites because I can't think of anything new.
I create the same people, with the same star signs and the same aspirations in the same houses on The Sims.
I am quite literally a creature of habit.

But I despise that.  I prefer living life on the edge, to be different and not the life of least resistance.

I'm already attempting that by trying to find my forte, that sadly, with so much work these days, has been put on the back burner.  I'm trying to wear brighter clothes, do my hair differently, and become more zesty.  But it's hard when you've done what you've done for many many years.  It's one of the reason why I have so many jobs.  One day I said to myself 'stop leading a boring life, go out there, do stuff, meet new people, have stories to tell'.  And I went out there and I did it.  I got as many varying jobs that was going, I became an opportunist.  Now when someone says to me 'tell me something interesting about yourself, tell me a story' I can normally muster something of some relevance related to work.  But this is an exception to the rest of my life which is rather dull and boring.  Sometimes I reflect back to my summer of 2009 and think...why has my life taken a down turn towards the mundane.  Yet, it's highly conceivable that that was my life prior to it.  A life of books and papers, of mindless TV and games.  Of sitting online every free minute and wasting my life.  Having had the taste of excitement though, it tends to breed ill contempt and makes you strive to achieve what you had before.

Again I strike the wall of how to change.  Should I change?  I want to.  But have no footing in going about it.  Instead of spending hours a day roaming the internet (which despite its vast size, the content I regularly peruse is restricted to a handful of sites) which usually means just sitting and waiting for a notification, I have already elected for picking up a book as an alternative.
I'm trying with the fashion and I'm trying with the games.  But it's hard when you're used to familiarity as a comfort.

What I need to do, is get out more...

 

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Today I,

have had such a weird day and it's not even 10am.

By 8.00am I had already been hit on by a new worker in the corner shop on the way to work.  He asked me how I am, where I work, and when I told him 'in the castle' he replied 'ah a princess working in the castle'.  I gave him a wry look, muttered 'no, not quite' before racing out of the door...

When I arrived at work, the first guest to check out was a chatty 50 something year old who decided to regale his success with the females at his conference last night before becoming highly irrate and suddenly possessed by tourettes when he dropped his laptop on the floor.

Something is definitely in the air today...

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

My Interesting Fact Is....

...I've got this ongoing interest in serial killers.

What a way to start a post, but please give this blog a chance before hastily clicking the close button or moving on in a hurry (I'm honestly not that much of a creep!).

From 2009-2010 I was a tour guide.  A tour guide around my university campus.  A job with respectable pay considering it usually took up 3 hours of my time on one afternoon a week.  It required a bunch of us donning our lovely purple t-shirts emblazoned with 'CAMPUS TOUR GUIDE' or something else completely irrelevant on our backs if we were unlucky enough, and generally standing out in the freezing cold (and turning blue in my case) pretending that this is exactly where we wanted to be.  This was usually followed by 3 hours marching up and down hills, embellishing our anecdotes and selling to youngsters that university really is the place to be (whilst secretly cursing the living daylights of doing this with so much work to be getting on with back in our study rooms and actually wishing someone had told us that uni was too much hard work!).  But as a whole it was an amazing job.  No matter how grudgingly you felt about it at the start, you got into the swing of things and were buoyed on by the audience (if they were a particularly receptive one that is).  I also, as with all my jobs, have a 101 stories to tell from these tours but this will all be done (eventually) on my other blog.

So it was all good with the one exception.  The exception that once in a blue moon, the lead person from the recruitment department would ask us to introduce ourselves, not only with our name, course and college as was the standard, but with an interesting fact.  This was enough for me to shrivel up and die.  Feel the pressure of 200 pairs of eyes bearing down on you assessing you and judging you on what your interesting fact is about yourself.  This is made even worse by the fact you're thinking 'I really am not that interesting'. All I was, was a student who wolfed down energy drink and a packet of crisps for breakfast if I had a 9am, followed by sleeping time, a lecture, nap time, then hitting the town - a typical student.  So the one time I got asked this (I'd only 5 minutes before been studying in the library close to deadline time but had been called on as a dependable reserve) I was the first person up.  And I froze.  I put on my best showbiz smile, looked out into the audience and went 'I actually can't think of an interesting fact about myself, can I have an "Aww"?'.  And lo and behold, the audience gave me an 'aww'!!! Despite this being a win on my part that there was audience participation and I wasn't left hanging, I felt my insides squirm that nothing I could think of was interesting.  In retrospect I could have told them I'd had a number of jobs despite only being 19; I knew every word to the Titanic; or my favourite childhood song was 'I Got You Babe'.  But c'est le vie.

However, I'd quite forgotten all of this until I had a mini reunion with my old faithful tour guide partner.  He was my rock, and my cover up when I decided to play pranks during the tours (again probably will talk about this in my other blog) and he was eternally optimistic when we were strung together for hours standing around.  His interesting fact was that he hadn't cut his hair in a number of years.  However, when I chanced to bump into him one day this week I noticed he'd finally had it cut.  In fact I barely recognised him.  And the first thing I could think of was 'wow, what's your interesting fact going to be now?' despite us both having moved on from the tours (or sadly rejected for younger models).  He shrugged and went 'I don't have one' and we reminisced about the time I got the audience to sympathise with me but as he said 'that only works once'.  So as we sat down by the riverbanks enjoying the sun I went 'I guess my only interesting fact is that I'm obsessed with serial killers'.  He looked at me, he pulled a face, and he said 'Best not to lead with that one in front of a 100 people'.

So here's my explaining myself finally.  I am not obsessed with serial killers but rather psychopaths.  Having studied psychology, abnormal psychology and lack of empathy were my favourite topics.  I even studied level of empathy and accuracy/speed of emotion facial recognition for my dissertation in my final year.  Being highly empathic myself and unable to watch a movie/soap/charity advert/see someone in pain/envisage someone in pain without breaking down myself is something I can't understand would be in other people, and more specifically, serial killers.  As my boyfriend once said 'You appear to have such great empathy for any stranger, you would stop and help a random in the street despite it being of no benefit to yourself.  Yet when it comes to people you're close to, i.e. me, you're more than happy to put others above'.  Obviously I hope the latter statement is not completely true.  But I do hold this thing that I would never, could ever, hurt a hair on anyone's head.  Lord, I can't even watch someone flex their muscles because it looks like it could hurt them.

When it comes to psychopaths they couldn't be more opposite to me.  They will deceive, cheat, manipulate, abuse, and murder anyone without a moments thought, sympathy or have remorse and guilt for their victims and family afterwards.  They are literally cold blooded.  They even go so far as to say that they are the victims.  And so trying to understand the likes of Ted Bundy (murdered 30-36 women), John Wayne Gacy (had 29 dead bodies under his very house), Tommy Lynn Sells (30-70+ murders) etc etc has me flummoxed.  And with psychologists and psychiatrists trying to find the source for such motivation for massacre it is highly interesting - was it nature, nurture or both- it seems to be any kind of combination will produce these almost monsters.

It is this that I find so intriguing.  No matter how creepy it is.  I am reading a book which describes the human side of Ted Bundy, and it's startling to think how...well...how normal he seemed to be, and how easily your own next door neighbour could well be hiding a dangerous and dark secret.  It's essential from a society perspective that a root cause is discovered and can be picked up before such crimes are committed.

So when I tell say that I'm interested in serial killers I'm not trying to be creepy, I'm trying to understand, not why someone did it, but how someone can put a stop to someone's life with little consideration of the victim and their family.  We all are akin to splurt out the why i.e. 'God I'll kill you if you tell him!' but we're not all akin for the how and this to me, is highly unsettling.

However, perhaps he is right...I do need a better interesting fact to lead with rather than initiating a long discussion of the motives and emotional abnormalities of a psychopath...

Friday, March 23, 2012

"But suddenly, and without my knowing how, there stirs within me again a tiny measure that smells faintly of love.  Warily, I start to walk amongst it, like walking through pain, delicately, not wanting to wake it.  Then it disappears again, before I can even realise what this awakening of love has meant: its taste has already left me, like the almond blossom petals that stay so briefly on the branches.  Thus everything becomes equal again in the darkness of existence, where only pain grows, and my own distance from love."
We Are All Equally Far From Love, A. Shibli. 

Pg 146

Shibli, A. (2012). We are all equally far from love. Clockroot Books, Northampton, Massachusetts.
Translated by Paul Starkey.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Today, I...

Today, I wondered at the idiocy of some people.  At work as a receptionist to a semi-hotel-like-thing, the parking warden turned up.  He asked if there was a guest in residence who had left their door wide open and their handbag on display on the seat with the door open...

...and I had one person return to the reception desk regarding the fact that they'd locked their key in their room...

...and finally a man asked for one of his clutches to be kept behind the reception desk despite needing two O_o

Despite this, I, too, am an idiot.  A man phones inquiring as to what the website of our establishment was...I did not know.  Fail of the most basic kind :(

Sunday, March 18, 2012

"...because it hurts, when you have been dead, to come alive..."
Good Morning, Midnight. Jean Rhys.


Rhys. J. (1939). Good Morning, Midnight. Penguin.
"...what makes life strange is that they are forgotten. Even the one moment that you thought was your eternity fades out and is forgotten and dies.  This is what makes life so droll - the way you forget, and every day is a new day, and there's hope for everybody, hooray..."
Good Morning, Midnight . Jean Rhys.


Rhys, J. (1939). Good Morning, Midnight. Penguin.
"You're not too old.  But you've got to where you're afraid to be young."
Good Morning, Midnight. Jean Rhys.


Rhys, J. (1939). Good Morning, Midnight. Penguin. 

Three Weeks Sober

I thought I'd give an update on my soberness.

It's been three weeks now since I decided to give up alcohol for lent - or rather just to prove that I can.
By the third day I was convinced that time had actually spiraled out of control, and in fact a whole month had passed.  I was quite worried that only three days in and I was already struggling - time was conspiring against me.

However, fast forward three weeks, and time literally seems to have done that - fast forwarded.  Having spent the majority of time at work I'd probably have gone this long sober anyway.  Or rather would have turned up to work with a hangover all the same (not doing that again, I swear the last time I got a hernia by doing that...).  It's three weeks and I don't really crave a drink, in fact I can think of nothing worse to have.  Especially now that the weather's turning out to be all summery, I think I'd rather have a glass of water.  But today was a large temptation - St Patrick's Day.  Believe me whether your Irish or not, there will be a LOT of hangovers tomorrow.  Whilst walking through the masses out on the town I started thinking maybe I should have a drink, but for once I'm glad I'm not one of them.  I don't actually miss it.  The only thing I'm infuriated with is that I really ought to be losing the weight from not drinking as I'm certainly not replacing alcohol with sugary sweets and takeaways.  In fact I'm probably eating less as I don't need to resort to feeding myself up to try and get sober again.

But the whole anti-alcohol thing has really spurred me on to get fit again.  To reach a size that I'm actually confident with - but it seems a long off target.  I'm thinking that this Easter holiday, with all the time I need to kill between jobs and the weather seemingly warming up, I might take to the running shoes again.

I am going to get fit.  I am.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Unconventional News - 14.03.2012

News of today provided with my own commentary:-

This guy is unbelievable... (not the story, the video clip from the documentary...) http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-tyne-17372349

This is just sick... http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-17370479

This man is clearly a Legend... http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-17375494

Not entirely sure what they were getting at by advertising all the deaths that's happened on London transport...http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-16813490
Also Not sure whether King's Cross or Millennium Dome or Giant Greenhouse...

More on transport...
Do we really want WiFi on the Underground?! Is it even a long enough journey to warrant it?! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-17373523

The Derek of the roughing it world? ... http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-17364327
Motels are the new wild apparently!

The BBC finally put their archives to good use I see... http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-17368514

Is this a little tooooo creepy? http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-17356957 I also doubt anyone has the memory span for the no. of customers they serve...

Saturday, March 10, 2012

The Unconventional News - 10th March 2012

I thought I might post these on here as well as my usual Twitter ones.

These are news clips I've found on the internet which I find particularly interesting for whatever reason.

So here's today's round up.


6. Pointless scare mongering for billions of years time...


5. Seriously http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-17308181literally anything we eat/drink/come into contact with 'gives us cancer'. Dudes the ground we walk in does that to a higher degree...


4. Earth Science yet again shows how much it knows about it's own subject...  

3. The expert accidently dresses in his subject...


2. Arrested by deducing speed from distance travelled and time elapsed on his own YouTube Video = Doh! 

1. Facebook continues to destroy people's lies *cough* I mean lives :p