Be gone guilt.

Last week I had an epiphany. Helped by Derren Brown. Now I know that Derren is purely for entertainment, but something triggered in me that night. Something that had somehow completely changed me. 

It all started with an anecdote. Despite even Derren saying that occasionally he'll tell a story that is completely fictional for certain purposes, this one really did stick with me. 

First was the story from an old man. He'd grown up, achieved well in school, got his GCSE grades, his A-levels, went to University, got his degree, started at the bottom of the career ladder and worked his way up. Until one day he was at the top of the ladder with nowhere to climb. He'd achieved what he'd considered his goal. Yet when he'd finally got there he didn't feel a sense of achievement. He felt lost. He'd worked all those years and for what. 

The message was live in the moment. Something that became even clearer towards the end of the show. 

He then introduced the idea of evangelical healing. Something which he totally disagreed with but was going to show what they did just by sitting in the audience. He got us on our feet and shouting hallelujah, holding our neighbours hands who were strangers ( a little too intimately for strangers too!). Next he asked us to sit down and close our eyes.  We had to think that we were standing on a beach somewhere. Something beautiful and warm. You can feel it on your skin. A single cloud flying through the air and a boat off in the distance. You could feel the sand between your toes and you look to the right. A figure is walking towards you. As they come closer you realise it is you. And you're told to imagine that this you is perfection. Everything that you want from yourself that would make you happy.  We are told to stretch that image. Pull it up infront  of you. Make the image sharper and vivid and more real. Make it the size of a cinema screen. Think how it's making you feel to see yourself so beautiful and whole. Now imagine that someone is dragging your image away from you like a catapult. It's all tiny and grey. Think how you're feeling now. You're feeling lost and dejected without that image. But then the image is released and it's flung up to you and it's bigger and brighter than before. Now think of the rush of feelings. How even more amazing you feel.  He then did this again and again until the image was real and part of you. He asked us to imagine something that hurts us and stresses us and fade that picture out. Make it grey and grainy and replace it with that wonderful image again.  

After this I have never felt so warm and comfortable with myself. A true sense of happiness. 

It was following this that Derren delivered another speech. He said that regardless of everything that is happening around you you can only control two things - your thoughts and your actions.  Everything else you have no control over. In a football game. You can try your hardest. As long as you know you've done your hardest, you can't do anything else.  You can't change someone else's mind or decision. You can't change the past. You need to let it go. 

And with this, yet again I felt relaxed and happy. And everything just sort of soaked away. I have been happy ever since. So happy. 

It was the final speech that was the crunch. He reminded us that we don't need to go looking for a miracle. Because the miracle is right here. We are all miracles. If our parents hadn't met at exactly the right time we wouldn't be us. If our grandparents hadn't met at the right time then we wouldn't be who we are. All the way through the years, every little thing has led to who we are. And what are the chances of that?

There aren't any. We are just a miracle. 

It's been a while...

...and things just don't bloody change. Depression, anxiety and ridicule. What happened to my lucky streak?!

If you're too busy looking into the past how are you supposed to build a future.

I am more than guilty of thinking far too much of the past. Whether it be old embarrassing memories, terrible social encounters, or even just thinking about the history of the place, it is always there. Like Larkin's belief that death hangs upon us, it's history for me. Despite the fact that it's backwards looking it's almost more damaging than the unknown future. 

I can think of countless arguments or depressive thoughts about my current boyfriend's past. And why?  He can't change it. I can't change it. No one can change it. We're in the now. It's spilt milk. It's a disaster that cannot be erased. But I guess it's the consequences I fear the most. If it's been like that in the past, why not now?  And it's these thoughts that causes a human being to become trapped, imprisoned in their own stupid thought dwelling mind. It's torcherous. Memory can be a beautiful thing if only it was selective. 

Anyway, those that are busy dwelling on the past are busy not making a future for themselves...

One of the hardest things is...to talk

I'm currently indulging in a book called 'Solitaire'. Yes it's a sixth formers books really but as the author is currently a

first year student at Durham University, how could I resist?

So here I am. Reading a young adults book and it's fairly accurate about the awkwardness you feel in your mid to late teens. I, myself, felt this during my own up bringing. It not being until first year of uni that I started to peel from this infamous crushing shell and sort of wake up and smell the coffee beans. It was only cos you HAD to do so. Being alone in a building of 3000 was not ideal. You simply had to speak to someone and make friends. And fast!

Anyway, this was all well. In fact this talking thing lasted a good 3-4years. And then the mid twenties happened. I've gone back to being a recluse. Never talking. Finding it actually physiologically apprehensive at the mere thought of speaking with others. It's becoming slight ly soul crushing. I don't want to be a loner but it actually hurts to use my brain to speak. Thanks to this newly acquired (or reborn) thing, I am feeling pretty damn lonely. Yes I have a boyfriend. Yes I have a really good best friend, but that's it. I lack the ability to actually speak to new people. Or even find them less than irritating. Yes I seem to have acquired the middle age tendency to just not understand people and their actions. I am a deeply cynical person. What's worse is that I am very aware of this!

So shall I do what I do best on this blog. I shall see if I can dig my way out of this social depression. To find my vocals and actually talk without muttering or stumbling over words or simply finding the whole thing a too stressful experience  that I will actively try to avoid!!  

Here's to a new me. 

The painful loss of an old friend

My friend called me unexpectedly late one night. He tells me the unspeakable has happened - a friend has taken his own life. "Don't worry yet. Don't say anything. Wait until it's official. I'm hoping it's not true". But we both said goodnight with a heavy heart. We both sat into the night refreshing Facebook, waiting, waiting, waiting, for it to be broadcast in the ignorant, superficial way that life is these days. 

It didn't happen the next morning. 

It happened at lunch time. Whilst eating dinner at my desk my phone vibrates. "It's official. He's killed himself" then silence. Thoughts filled my head, why? Why why why?  It would be this thought that would continually bring me to tears every time it sprung up in my head. 

Yes, we hadn't seen him since teenage times, but still you wonder why. There were people there for him. Everything was to live for. He had a son!

And then poisonous accusations came about. "The truth will come out" one person promised. But still there was this terrible terrible loss. 

Still feeling incredulous we attended the funeral. That's when it struck. This was real. He was really gone. No more smiley blonde Carl. Gone. 

The whole church was in tears. As usual the vicar of this town did a great job at getting things wrong, but the rest was perfect. The fiancés pain though ripped through everyone in the vicinity. It echoed what we felt collectively. 

The flowers were amazing. A racing car, a white truck, a broken heart and a pillow of flowers all laid peacefully beside him. 

Despite being laid to rest, a convoy was organised the day after. A 100 cars congregated to do a 50 mile per hour journey to the coast where further speeches were made and Chinese lanterns were let off (rather unsuccessfully) as the night crept in. 

All this in memory of a lad that will greatly be missed. We might not have been in your life for a while but we were still touched by you. We were still here for you. Whatever the reason you decided to do this, I hope that it's not in vain. 

We will miss you. We will always miss you. 

Still no idea what's going on. Clueless from the start,

Having been revealed that I've got my own job back. Yes that's right. Mess me around with interviews, stress, jobless and job- full. They finally ask me back. 

And yet I still have no idea where I'm going...

Tuesday, they said. Tuesday. 

So I will find out tomorrow whether it's year 1 or 3 or, god really hope not, 5. I don't think I could stand another year with my current class!!  

Relax...

A job shouldn't make you think about it 24/7, make you lose sleep over it, feel stressed.  It certainly shouldn't make you cause minor bodily harm to yourself or pull down your relationships.


It took the words of one person to make this realise.

What's more important?

"Someone else's child that you see for a year and never again; or the boyfriend who you love and cherish",

I went into this profession to make a difference.

And I am.

I just didn't realise what a difference to my own home life it would have...

Don't lose everything over a job.
Remember that.
Don't burn yourself out after a year when you could have 40 years left in the profession...

Just a bit of advice there!